It was one of those nights again last night. The dreams are so intense it's like they have surround sound! The dream was horrific. I was back in the military and in the middle of a fire fight. For some reason my son was there too. He's 7. Everything I tried to do to get to him in my dream failed. No matter how much ammo I spent taking down insurgents, I couldn't get to him as I get shot trying in vain. Seeing his hand outstretched trying to get to me as well. I awoke in a cold sweat. Trying to catch my breath i quickly realize it was a nightmare. But it got me thinking. What if I wasn't here? What if I knew God was calling me home? If I had a chance to tell him some last truths about being a man, about being a Christian; what would I say? It's a depressing topic I know, but one that I think needs addressed. At least for me personally. Maybe my writing this article, as I self reflect will allow others to examine themselves as well. Mortality is something that I think is very REAL to me. As a retired Paramedic and former Hospital Corpsman, I have seen the best and worst that humanity has to offer. I truly know how fleeting and quick life is. So, I am writing this letter to my son. I'm okay. I don't need a "Buddy Check". I just feel like being honest with myself and all of you as well. Especially with my Son. Tristan, There are so many things to tell you about life. About the world. I will try to keep it simple Son. Life is filled with excitement, disappointment, adventure, sadness and joy. To remain strong through it all you need only a few things. The rest will fall into place. Love. You need to Love your family, friends and fellow man. The compassion for others is a trait that runs deep in our family, and thus far you have been a shining example of this. Don't ever lose that. You are going to love multiple times in your life. You will have your heart broken, and may even break some hearts yourself along the way. Try to be the better person and treat others as you want to be treated. People are imperfect creatures. It is in our nature to be selfish. Try to overcome that and love. Remember the Navy Motto: "Honor, Courage, Commitment!" Forgive. Don't hold on to hate and grudges. It will only eat you up inside. Hate is toxic to your soul and who you are as a person. People are going to make you angry. That's part of life. Let it go and give it to God. Forgive them. Love the sinner and hate the sin. Faith. Have Faith in yourself, and Faith in the Lord. God has his hand on you, and I truly feel that you will do great things and be an amazing servant of the Lord. Remember, you are never alone. The Lord will always be there for you. Even in your darkest hour, he is there. Believe. Be strong in the Lord! Don't be like me. Don't run from him like I did for so long. When in doubt, give it to God. He's got your back! Just like I do! Live. There is so much Joy in the world. Life is a magnificent thing and there is a ton of fun to be had. Live, explore, laugh. Don't be afraid to try new things, or see new places. So many people never truly live because they are afraid. Don't be. Be fearless and LIVE! I have now and always will Love you Son. I believe in you. -Dad JER 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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I have been told that I have anger issues. I won't deny it. When it comes to burning bridges, let's just say I'm a demolitions expert. One of the greatest challenges I have had since being out of the service, is adapting to civilian life. Going from a life that was structured and oriented, to a life where not many people have a clue how to tie their own shoes let alone function as a society has been truly challenging. I have been out of the service for almost 12 years now, and it is still a challenge. I have had so many different vocations since, that I have pretty much lost count. Minimum wage mediocrity, high paying trade professions, unemployed; I have done it all. Many jobs I have quit simply because my anger was going to lead to a manager or customer going to the hospital after a severe beating. I think one of the things I have a difficult time dealing with is the lack of honor and selfish mentality that festers in civilian life. The hate is a big factor too. There is so much hate everywhere I turn. Political views, Race, etc... it seems like everyone is at each others throats. In the service, it didn't matter who you were, where you came from, your sexual orientation, your race or religion. We all had a job to do. We got it done, and then partied our butts off. I don't understand how the rest of the world can't function like this. As such, I have burned so many bridges just trying to fit into society that I can't even remember who all I kicked to the way side. I have made friends and lost friends along the way, as well as made many enemies. My anger is one of the greatest adversaries I have in my faith and walk with Christ. To be honest, there is a part of me that wants to burn that bridge too. I am tired of setting fires. I have to struggle and fight. Remind myself of why and how I followed God's calling back to the Church. I ran from him for so long, and tried just about everything else to survive with little success. Much like the "prodigal son" parable that Jesus talks about in the book of Luke, I came back. And He came running with arms open. Luke 15: 20-22 “...But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. These are just some of my demons that I have to face on a daily basis as a Christian and Veteran. I can't attest to my fellow Veterans, but I am sure many of my Brothers and Sisters can relate. Remember the Bible says that "...a fool is quick to anger..." -Proverbs 29:11 I refuse to be a fool. God Bless and CYH Hands down, one of the hardest times to be a Christian for me is when I'm driving. It doesn't even have to be Rush Hour. Other drivers can infuriate me so immensely that it's like I'm back in the military again and I'm the poster child for the old adage "Swears like a Sailor". People running stop signs, not stopping for a school bus when it's warning placards are out, not using a turn signal, ignoring the rules of "Right of way", not pulling over for Emergency Vehicles (that's a huge one for me); so many people just being reckless!! AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! We've all been there. Right? Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin..." Which is a REALLY difficult thing for me to do. Just about every curse word comes into my head when I experience the folly of other drivers. But it is this trial I am beginning to realize, that gives me the opportunity to become a stronger Christian. I have to remind myself that the rage and hate and anger I feel is not what God wants from me. James 1:20 says "because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." I have to remind myself of this, because more than anything I long to be righteous and good in my life and walk with Christ. There is always going to be stupid drivers on the road. I am sure that something that I have done while driving has caused another to swear and curse at me. I'm not perfect. None of us are. It is crucial to remind ourselves that a fool angers quickly. The Bible says so, Proverbs 29:11 "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end." To anger and sin is to give the devil a foothold on your life. Ephesians 4:27. So stay safe out there everyone, and remember to remain calm, we are not perfect and we all fail. The important part is to get back up and stay on the path that God has set before you. God Bless and CYH. There are times in life, that I find myself needing a good swift kick in the pants. Or, a slap in the face. Funny, how God uses the actions of others, or events in ones life to achieve this "tough love" task. Today it just happened to be the message and scripture of my Pastors sermon at church. It has been one of those weeks. Murphy's Law of "...what can go wrong, will go wrong..." was in full gear the whole time. My wife's Grandfather had a stroke, so she left for Georgia with her Mother to be with him. So that leaves me and our son home to get stuff done around the house. Chores, work and the like. Money has been tight, so we have minimal food in the house. I had to count change just to get laundry detergent and gas in the car. Meanwhile, I have been struggling with my walk with God. More recently, than in previous weeks. For my day job I write a Political Blog for another company. Needless to say, I get to see the worst that all sides have to offer when it comes to current events and political issues. This proves to be challenging, as I have been trying to change my life and let go of hatred and bias. Kind of hard to do when it comes to daily headlines. As a Veteran, I find this to be especially challenging. We like to hold on to our hate. It gives us fire when we're in Combat. We use it to destroy our enemies. It's kind of what we do. Mostly. So when Pastor started talking about "reaping what you sow..." and the seeds that we plant in our heart lead to what we harvest later on... *** SMACK TO THE FACE, DEPLOYED!!!!! *** My hands begin to shake slightly as I sat in the pew. Not out of rage but out of humility. Every word he spoke felt like the sermon was written just for me. As he read Galatians 6:7 "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." I took a long hard look inward. Like staring at the mirror and being completely disgusted with what you see. For so long, I have held this hate and anger deep inside. Like a warm security blanket, I would wrap myself up in it. Staying safe surrounded by an impenetrable wall of rage. The sermon hit especially hard, because in Sunday school we have been discussing Islam. As a Veteran, I have to be honest and say that I have no love for Radical Islam. Years spent combating, hating and loathing the zealots of Mohammed have left me tired and angry. I'm tired of hate. I am tired of all the anger. I have been planting seeds of these burdens in my soul for so long, that it feels like that is all I know. In writing this, I was trying to find a passage from the Bible about letting go of hate. When I found the verses, I started shaking again, and almost began crying. *** SECOND SLAP TO THE FACE, DEPLOYED!!! *** Ephesians 4:31-32 31 Get rid of bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice.. 32 Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. It is time for me to let go of the hate. I have been trying to tell God what he can and can't do in my life instead of letting him work IN my life. Sometimes it is easy for some of us to forget, that he is the "GREAT I AM." and that ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens us. Even letting go of hate. Sometimes, you just need a slap in the face to wake up and realize it. God Bless, and C.Y.H. |
AuthorSpike Bowan is the Pittsburgh, PA born Writer and Fiction Author. He is a Veteran of the US Navy, retired Paramedic, Husband, Father and Christian. BECOME A PATRON. CLICK BELOW!
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