Headaches, Panic Attacks, Nightmares, and worse...I have asked myself many times if it will ever stop? If it will ever go away? I met another Veteran once who had the answer. The story goes like this; I was working as a Paramedic in one of the many ghettos in the Allegheny County area. We responded to a house for an elderly gentleman with chest pain. I assess him and determine he needs transport to the hospital right down the road. I was having one of those days, I was going through the motions and trying just to complete a 24 hour shift so I could go home. I must have had that thousand yard stare on my face, because the patient asked me this. "How long where you in the service?" I look up and notice that he has a WWII Veterans ball cap on. 82nd Airborne to be precise. A "D-Day" Vet, I guess if anyone could spot a fellow Veteran it would be this man. We get to talking, and we have many similar experiences. I ask him, "Do the headaches and bad dreams ever go away?" His response was gut wrenching. "No." he says DEVASTATION But what he said next changed my entire perspective on how things were progressing in my life, he said "...you just learn to live with it. You wake up, you put on your shoes and go into the world and get the job done. And it helps to have the love of a good woman. A support structure that is always there for you like family and friends is the key. And don't forget God. Theres no better support than Jesus son..." Most will never know what it is like. The headaches. The cold sweats after waking up from a horrific nightmare. The panic attacks that swarm ones thoughts and heart at the drop of a hat. Like so many of my Brother and Sister Veterans, the afflictions of PTSD can be overwhelming and at times lead you to find a "cure" on your own. With little to know help from the Veterans Affairs hospitals, many of us are left to try and fix this on our own. The VA throws pills at the Veterans like tic-tacs. Too many pills. Some of us turn to alcohol. Drinking ourselves into an early grave. Others turn to drugs and prescription meds. Why not? The VA has half of us hooked on pain killers anyway. And sadly, some of my Brothers and Sisters turn to a, more permanent solution. The fear of everything just becomes overwhelming and it is just "...simpler if the world didn't have me in it...". How do I know this? Because I have had these thoughts. I have had these fears. I have sat there with a gun in my hand and thought long and hard about the consequences of just ending it all. I never did realize until I was so close to pulling the trigger, that I have a phenomenal support structure. A wife that is truly God Sent. Friends that I can turn to at a moments notice, and Brother and Sister Veterans that are always there to help me through the worst of it. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255 This verse has saved me more times than I can count. JEREMIAH 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. According to studies done a few years back, 22 Veterans commit suicide everyday. What's even worse is that that number is probably even WAY higher now. We can't be certain, because the studies just stopped. This insanity has to stop. We need to look out for each other. There are a few groups out there like GallantFew.org , Battle Buddy, Guitars for Vets and even us here at The Fisherman Soldier; that are doing what we can to help. But it is up to individuals to get involved, to stand up and say they will be their Brothers Keeper. To fight the fear together. ISAIAH 41:10 says: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." You don't have to be afraid. Alone. Lost. You can rely on Brother and Sister Veterans to help you "Soldier On". Don't forget, God can be an amazing Battle Buddy too, if you let him. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255
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It hit me on Sunday service. I showed up for service in a nice short sleeve button down, jeans and my converse tennis shoes.
I was comfy and ready to praise the Lord as I strapped on my guitar. That's when I noticed "the looks" I was getting from several of the older attendees. A look that I thought I would never see in my church. Disgust. Judgement. Now, I am used to these looks as I am heavily tattooed. But I never thought I would get them in my own church. The service progresses and I am exposed to several comments like, "...must be casual Sunday...". I blew them off and gave it to God. Now I could go on about how the Bible says "...Judge not lest ye be judged..." but I think that example gets widely over used and most Christians have become apathetic to it. I will however remind people though that the Bible talks about "Coming as you are..." Now, the Bible doesn't use those exact words at all. But what it does say is this: “Come! Whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.” - Revelation 22:17 So if I come willingly, seeking redemption and following in the footsteps of Christ; why am I to be criticized for it? Regardless of attire and appearance. Shouldn't the fact that I am there to fellowship and worship be the important thing? Now, some will say, "Spike, you're judging them aren't you?...". Well, ...uh...yea. I am. I have this nasty habit of calling people out on stuff like this. Especially when it's judgmental attitudes like this that are killing off church congregations across the globe. Younger generations WANT to believe! They are actively searching for it, however I feel that "Old School" attitudes like these are barring potential church goers from the church door. It's still around. It's just not widely promoted. I love all kinds of music, folk, acoustic rock, oldies, R&B, classic rock, heck; even show tunes. But every now and then I just want to Rock Out and headbang!!! It's not for everyone. But deep down inside I'm a Metal Head! I grew up listening to bands like Stryper, Petra, One Bad Pig, Tourniquet and so many more! But "that" style of music is hard to come by. At least in the area of Pittsburgh that I'm in. Christian radio is very limited. We have WORD.FM 101.5, which is 98% chatter, preachers and talk shows; and we have 98.3 FM KLOVE. Which plays the same 45 contemporary Christian songs. Over and Over and Over. Don't get me wrong, I am a HUGE fan of "Sidewalk Prophets", "Mercy Me" and "Casting Crowns", but I want more. Having just recently come back to the flock, I was wondering what was out there as far as Christian Rock and Metal. So I started digging. There ARE Christian Metal bands still around, but I never hear a peep about them. To be honest, the more I dug I wasn't overly impressed. Talented musicians? Yes. Are the lacking something? Most definitely. Where is the fire? Where is that feeling I would get listening to Michael Sweet belt out "To Hell With the Devil"? Stryper is still around and making music, and although I am a Die Hard fan from way back, it still feels like they're still trying to play '80's style music. Sorry boys. Where is the Christian version of Five Finger Death Punch? Or Amoranthe? Where is the fire of the Holy Spirit in Modern Music? There are some decent bands, but I honestly can't see myself buying their albums or MP3's. But I am still trying to find something that I feel is lacking in the Christian Metal scene. There is some hope in the bleak though, this one band I found called "Demon Hunter". So much potential!!! There are Power Metal bands and "Un-Doom" Metal bands that are Christian, and they're not bad. But I wanted some Whiskey Rock. Some Hard Core, and I think I found it in "Demon Hunter". There is that old expression that I have heard my entire life. "... Judge not, lest ye be judged." So why is it then, that some of the most judgmental people on the planet, are Christians? Time and time again, I am let down by my fellow followers of the Way. I am heavily tattooed. Arms, legs, chest and hands. Nothing that could be deemed 'offensive'. I am a Veteran of the U.S. Navy, and many of the tattoos I have are in accordance with old school maritime tradition. Still, the hate and judgement comes in waves. Maybe a reason I was running from God for so long was because of how other Christians made me feel. The look of scorn and disdain. Disapproval greeted me at every church I walked into. The eyes glaring in contempt for the ink that is in my skin. I even had an old Catholic lady in a grocery store tell me "I was going to burn in Hell for destroying God's temple..." "You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks on you: I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:28 The 'Go To' Bible verse for anti-tattoo advocates of Christian persuasion. So I did some homework. The section, "cuttings in your flesh..." is in reference to a barbaric ritual that existed back then. It was a type of 'sacrifice of flesh' to appease the Gods. A ritual still practiced today by many Muslims during the Day of Ashura. Now, the 'tattoo' portion of the verse is a tricky thing. From Aramaic to Greek, Greek to German/English etc... Not all words translate completely. The closest I could find was 'marks' or 'markings' that are the closest in translation from the original Aramaic in reference to scarring the body to remember the dead. So, it is reasonable that scholars could have made an assumption that this just meant 'tattoos'. A conversation thread I found on Biblical Hermeneutics made an interesting observation. "The command is clear in this passage to not pierce one's body for the dead. The slaves were to be pierced by their master upon choosing to stay with them rather than going free; therefore, it seems clear that the command does not forbid all piercing, but only piercing for the dead. In regard to tattooing, however, the English does not connect the command not to tattoo with "for the dead in any way. I read the other post pertaining to this passage and though it is insightful, it does not pertain to my question, that being: Grammatically, is there a connection in the Hebrew between the command forbidding to tattoo and 'for the dead?'" It's just a thought. An opinion. For isn't the Bible interpreted differently by each individual person that reads it? What I like to call "Idiopathic Christianity". Meaning each Christians walk with God is different and pertains to them specifically. No one else. What I think is important, is that I AM a Christian and walking with God. I AM a good Father and Husband. I AM a good neighbor to my Brothers and Sisters. Isn't that the important thing? I used to stress about things like the entirety of this blog. Until I had the revelation of "Idiopathic Christianity". Then I was at peace. It doesn't matter what other Christians or non-Christians think. It matters what God thinks, and how I live my life walking with Him. I will Love my Wife, Protect and teach my Son, be a good neighbor to my Brothers and Sisters. I will enjoy life, Praise the Lord; Dance and give Joy unto him. The next day I will do it all over again. The Judgments of others no longer hold sway on me. While your contemplating the opinions I have put forth so far dwell on this: In Revelation 19:16 "And He has on His robe and His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS." The Aramaic translation for the words written and on Jesus' robe and thigh is 'writers ink'. This Video is from one of my favorite bands, and is very much how I view my life, especially since I am back on the path. I was raised a Christian. From very early on, I grew up in a Presbyterian church. After several years of growing up there, my parents decided it was best for the family to switch to a different church.
I never really understood why at the time, but back then; you didn't question such things. Our new church was an Assemblies of God church. I had never experienced anything like it. The people were warm and inviting, the music was lively and made you want to dance. I'll never forget my first dose of what a "Born Again" christian church was like. I remember seeing a lady become "Slain in the Spirit". Scared the living daylights out of me. I thought we needed to call an ambulance, but came to find out that this was rather a common occurrence. Listening to the Pastor preach, was like listening to a human being that was in love with the Lord. The fire, the passion; I had never experienced anything like it before. He celebrated his faith, his walk with God. I was in. Hook line and sinker. For the next several years, I was an avid member of the church. As was my family. Bible quiz, Youth Group, we were always at the church doing something. I became born again, was baptized; I even became baptized in the Holy Spirit and began speaking in tongues. I remember that feeling. The words came from me, but it was like I had no control over my body or what the words said. It is truly an experience unlike most others. One year, there were competitions being held country wide. For the life of me I can't remember what they were called, but it allowed youths to compete in a plethora of categories. From writing, to singing. Art and skits; and the one category that caught my eye. Short Sermons. I signed up for singing and short sermons quicker than you could blink an eye. I studied, and wrote. Practiced my song, day and night. I let the Lord speak to me and work through me. Then the competitions came. My song got messed up by the sound guy, who put the tape on the wrong side (which is a different key) and I couldn't hit the notes. They were too high. I shrugged it off. I knew I was a good singer, and my heart was set on the short sermon more anyway. I get called forward, and there I am. Shirt and tie, bible in hand. I unleash. The scripture was so personal to me, that I could feel the fire in my bones screaming to get out and share the word of God. A standing ovation. Hands in the air praising God. It was miraculous. This is where the story turns left when it should be heading right. We had a prayer and worship service later. Groups of people circled each other and just took turns praying and praising God. That's when it happened. This man, a pastor from another church I believe, crosses the circle and grabs me up. I have never met the man, didn't know who he was. I thought I was in trouble for a second. That's when he spoke, " heavenly Father, this man is your instrument. Jonathan (my real name, shh. don't tell anyone) you are to be a great man of God. You will accomplish amazing things in our Fathers name and you will lead the masses to his glory. You are a divine instrument of our Lord and Savior,..." Scared the jinkies right out of me. I had never met this man before. How did he know my name? What is he going on about? Me? I'm a nobody. All these thoughts were racing through my mind and I must have been as pale as ghost. His prophecy had me shaking in my boots. So I ran. I ran hard, and fast and for many years. I fell in with bad company for a while in High School, but eventually grew out of that. I then tried to hide in the Military. Through Military service, and years of Emergency Medicine I hid. Strange places to hide, doing the Lords work, saving lives; all the while trying to ignore him. Through my years of service I have seen the very best mankind has to offer, and trust me. The very worst society is capable of. I saved who I could. Hoping all the while to maybe save myself. Witnessing miracles and devastation alike, I constantly struggled with God. Then one day, years later it just clicked. More recently to be precise. As of late, I have been writing fiction novels about dystopia and the end of the world. I found myself constantly turning to the bible for inspiration and reference. That's when I started reading. And noticing how the rest of the bible applies to everyday life. And current events. And family troubles. And to who I truly am. I have been searching for so long for a way to deny my prophecy. Yet, the more I fought, the more I found myself being drawn back to him. I fight no more. I am home. Jer 29:11 |
AuthorSpike Bowan is the Pittsburgh, PA born Writer and Fiction Author. He is a Veteran of the US Navy, retired Paramedic, Husband, Father and Christian. BECOME A PATRON. CLICK BELOW!
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